Too Hot to Handle
by Elizabeth Stuart
Summary: Will Luke take his father's advice when it comes to seducing Han? Sexualslash references, humor.


**Originally published in Frisky, 1995**  
**Secondarily published in The Rest of the Garbage #2, 1997 **

_Too Hot to Handle_

by Elizabeth Stuart

Leia's skin was so soft and round. Her breast seemed to curve around his palm like a glove. Luke sighed, his eyes heavy with sleep, absorbing the feel of it. Soft like... warm sand. Different. Different from him, different from Han. He turned his attention to Han, aware of the muscles so close to the surface, rippling with strength and tension. He'd never known skin could feel so different. He concentrated on his own flesh as his hand wrapped around his straining sex. Ran his fingers down the length of it. Smooth, yet hard. Slick. Velvety. He stroked leisurely, pausing for a moment to bring his fingers up to his tongue. Tasty. Salty... distinctive. Would Han and Leia taste differently?

His lashes fluttered open. The light was too bright. He gave the lamp a Force command, and it dimmed itself. He smiled, reaching out again to touch Leia and Han. He slid between them, accepting the embraces they thought they shared only with each other. He rolled onto his stomach, pressed his throbbing groin into the mattress. Gave his pillow a brief caress. The movement brought him to full wakefulness, and he immediately became aware of his actions. Relucantly, he separated his mind from theirs. There were times when it was a nuisance to have a conscience. But Leia's Force presence was so strong that when she and Han made love, he had to concentrate on not becoming involved.

Luke sat up and shook his head. Control, he must learn control. That's what Yoda had said. He doubted that Yoda had this particular type of control in mind-- but then again, perhaps he had. A cold shower was an excellent control method and one he would adopt right now.

_What the Sith-hell are you doing?_

He nearly stumbled to the floor, the question was so strong. Breathlessly, Luke straightened, turning slowly around the room. Who said that? Surely Leia hadn't discovered-- And Han couldn't-- But the feeling was familiar. Someone he'd met before. Not Ben-- he nearly giggled at the thought-- and stars knew it wasn't Yoda! So--

His eyes widened with horror. _Father?_ He grabbed the sheet off the bed and wrapped it around his torso, conscious of the ridiculousness of his actions. Surely that couldn't be Vader! There was no way! Yet... he thought back to the confrontation above Bespin, to that moment just before he fell, when their minds touched, and recognized the link. _Father, is that you?_ he demanded angrily.

_Yes. And I would appreciate your returning to your sexual activity so that I may finish mine._

"Excuse me?" he muttered incredulously. Vader wouldn't, couldn't, didn't dare-- _Are you eavesdropping on me?_

_An interesting turn of phrase. Can we table this discussion until later?_

_NO!_ Luke reached for his trousers, trying to pull them on without dropping the sheet. He hopped a few times, his right foot caught in the pantleg. Where the hell was the Force when he needed it? He fell with a thud onto the hard floor. _Kraat! See what you made me do?_

_I was hoping to make you do something else._ A great wave of disgust filled the room, and Luke knew he wasn't the source. _Very well. We will discuss it now, youngster._

_There's nothing to discuss!_ Furious, he tossed the sheet aside and yanked up the pants, slapping down his annoying erection until he could fasten the soft fabric. _Damn you, you have no right to spy on me!_

_Really. Then you refuse me the rights you allow yourself?_

He felt heat creep into his cheeks. All sorts of denials and exclamations came to his lips, but he pushed them aside. Vader was right. What he did was even more despicable, because Han and Leia were his friends. But he'd never had a relationship with anyone, had never been able to bring himself to--

_You are afraid._

Great. Now even his private thoughts weren't private anymore. _Do you know everything I think?_

_Yes._

Luke snorted. _Why should I believe you?_

_Would you like a recitation of your thoughts for the last while? You were reflecting on the differences between male and female flesh and-- _

_All right, all right! Never mind._ Luke threw himself back on the bed and leaned against the headboard, clutching the pillow against his chest. _Go away._

_And leave you alone with your friend Mr. Pillow? Surely it must be exhausted by your constant attentions._

"Oooooh!" He threw the pillow across the room and jumped to his feet again. "How dare you! Just get out and don't come back! I don't want you here! How can-- "

_Stop shouting. You've already given me one headache tonight._

"Good." In spite of his anger, he quieted himself. His lower lip trembled. _But how can you do this? You're my father! You're not supposed to-- to-- _

_Great Sith, you're not crying, are you?_

_Certainly not!_ He glared at the ceiling as if Vader could see him. _I'm mad!_

_Tsk, tsk. A Darkside emotion, boy!_

He couldn't hold back the tiny giggle that escaped his lips. _Fa-ther!_

_Charming. I have lived this much of my life without a whining child and now-- _

_I am NOT whining!_

_I beg your pardon. May we get back to the subject at... hand?_

Another blush heated his face. He crossed the room for his pillow. Holding it made him feel safer, no matter what Vader said. _Yeah. Butt out. You're my father and you have no business being in my sex life._

_Who better? After all, you were intimately involved in my sex life._

Despite his embarrassment, he was intrigued. _Did you use the Force with my mother?_

_Did I-- ? Great Sith. You have a lot to learn, boy, and you are not making great strides in that direction._

_I know._ Disconsolately, he hugged his pillow. _And you're not making it any easier._

_I had hoped to make it harder._

_FATHER!_

_I asked you not to shout._

_Sorry._ This was the weirdest conversation he'd ever had in his life, either in his head or out of it. _But why are you doing it? Just to embarrass me?_

There was no response. Luke waited for a few minutes, becoming unaccountably anxious. He didn't want Vader here or in his head, yet-- _Father? Are you still here?_

_I am here. I was considering whether to respond to your question._

_Considering? You're spying on me, invading my privacy, and only considering-- ? Kraat eaters from Sith-hell, you'd better-- _

_What a fetching expression. Wherever did you learn it?_

"From Han," he said with a grin. It was a great word, and lots of people didn't know what it meant. Kraat. Kraat, kraat, kraat! The sound of it made him feel like a mischevious boy again.

_Perhaps you should concentrate on learning some other things from him. If you ever wish to have a sex life of your own, that is._

Anger swept over him. _Look who's talking! Maybe you need some lessons from Han, too--since you can't seem to do it for yourself!_

_You are correct. I cannot do it myself._

He looked at the ceiling again, wishing-- just for a moment-- that Vader was here. _Why not?_

_I was... injured. Medical technology was able to give me the equipment necessary to sustain my existence, but there were certain things they were unable to repair._

Horrified, Luke whispered, "You mean-- ?"

_Yes. My greatest regret was that I was not totally neutered. I still have the desires, if not the ability to act upon them._

_Oh._ He shivered and lay back on the bed, tugging for the blanket as he tried to assimilate all the implications. His father was in worse shape than _he_ was! He might not have a live partner, but at least he could do for himself. His father-- _Do you get... satisfaction from, um, listening to other people?_

He sensed a chuckle. _Not precisely 'listening', young one. And it doesn't work with just anyone. Force sensitivity is mandatory. You, as nearly a Jedi, are the most sensitive channel I have known in nearly twenty years._

_Twenty-- ? You mean you haven't-- _

_I couldn't very well use Kenobi or Yoda, could I?_

_I suppose not._ He reflected on the complications. _Would they have noticed?_

_Well... Kenobi would have. As for Yoda... his idea of sex was not compatible with mine._

Oh, my. Luke wanted to hear more. At a later time, of course. He considered his father's predicament. _But if you've lost your, er, how do you, um... finish?_

_True, my "er" was lost and with it the physical capability of ejaculation; however, the psychological and emotional sensations are still quite pleasureable._

_Oh._ Luke shifted uncomfortably and vowed to keep a closer eye on his own equipment. _I still don't like the idea of you using me. Especially without my permission._

_May I point out-- _

_I know. I'm doing the same thing with Han and Leia._ He bowed his head. _I... have to think about all this. Would you leave me alone now? And promise not to listen while I'm thinking?_

_Very well._

He sensed an edge of anger and frustration that dissipated almost immediately. Instinctively he knew that Vader was gone. It was a great relief and, somehow, a disappointment. Vader had talked to him like an adult, not like some stupid child the way some of the Alliance staff did. Even Han and Leia--

Han and Leia. He groaned and pulled the pillow across his face. He didn't want to think of them ever again. Didn't want to think about any of this. The most obvious solution, the simplest one, was to never get sexually aroused again. He was a Jedi. He could do it. The Force had to be good for something practical, didn't it?

Luke headed for the shower.

* * *

His resolution lasted for nearly a month. It might have lasted longer, but Leia had whisked off on one of her so-called mercy missions and left Han behind. Han's frustrations began to rise after a couple days and by the end of the week, his sexual vibrations were driving Luke to distraction. Better distraction than drink, he supposed. At the end of one very long day, he dropped in for a casual visit.

Han looked haunted. Luke watched him, intrigued. If this was what lack of sex did to a man, why didn't he look this terrible too? He glanced at himself in the mirror. Nope, he didn't look like Han. In fact, he looked terrific. Satisfied, he prowled around the room, picking up a few tokens of Leia. A fastener from her hair, a long silk rope-- wonder what they used that for? He glanced sideways at Han.

"Mercy mission, my ass! I wish her highness would get back here and perform a real mercy mission."

Luke giggled and then was immediately embarrassed. No wonder they treated him like a kid, with him giggling like that! What an idiot. He cleared his throat. "You miss her, don't you?" he asked solemnly.

"Kraat, yes, I miss her, junior!" Han flung himself in a chair, legs sprawling out.

"Do you miss _her_ or just the sex?" he asked curiously.

"What?" The long legs were immediately retracted and Han stood. "What kind of crack is that?"

Luke widened his eyes, knowing how innocent he would appear. "I was just wondering. I've never had sex, so I don't know if it's something you'd miss."

Han stared at him, his mouth opening and closing a few times. He turned around in a circle. Stared at Luke again. "I don't believe you said that," he finally muttered.

"I don't believe I haven't _done_ it," he replied cheerfully. "I'd really like to."

"Uh... right. Look, kid-- "

"Don't you think I could?"

"Well, of course, you could! Kraats alive, didn't anyone ever-- "

"No."

"That's not what I meant! Somebody should have told you about-- " Han paced the room, and Luke had to keep turning to watch him. "Just... go out and do it. I mean... meet somebody."

"I've met lots of people. None of them seem interested in me. And I can't do it with just _anyone_."

"You can't? Oh... oh, no, of course not." Han stopped and raked his fingers through his hair, creating an unruly mess. "I don't think I'm the one you should be talking to about this."

"Well, I'm afraid to ask Leia, and the two of you are my best friends, so-- "

"What? Of _course_ you can't ask-- Oh, you mean, ask her advice. Yeah, well, that probably wouldn't be a good idea." Han headed for the small cooler. "How about a cold beer?"

"I don't want a cold beer, I want sex."

"Well, _I_ want a cold beer." Han popped the lid off a bottle of Corellian ale and swallowed half the contents. "Look, kid, just go out there and go after what you want. You don't need my advice. You'll do fine on your own."

He frowned. Han was missing the entire point. "I don't want your _advice_," he said carefully, "I want to have sex with you. I think I'd learn better that way."

Han must have swallowed wrong because he began choking. Luke patted his back. "Are you all right?"

The spacer's face was bright red by the time he recovered his voice. "Yeah, yeah. Look... I think you'd better leave."

Kraat! _Faaather!_ he wailed. _Help me!_

_What's wrong? Are you injured?_

He smiled to himself. _I'm trying to seduce Han, but he's not interested._

_You're-- Great Sith, boy, I thought you were in mortal danger! Just use the Force on him and don't bother me again._

_But I thought you'd want to... you know. Listen._

There was a long silence, both from Han and his father. He sensed the Dark Lord's presence and Han's confusion. A small smile touched his lips when he knew his father was staying. He turned his attention toward his friend. Han's back was to him.

Use the Force? Seemed like cheating. Anyway, this was his first time at trying to seduce someone and if he couldn't do it without the Force, then what did that say for his... well, desirability? If he could just get Han to touch him--

"You're mad at me, aren't you?" He lowered his voice and put a quiver into it. "I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I thought you were different, you're just like everybody else, nobody wants me. What's wrong with me? Am I ugly or what? Do I smell bad? You're my best friend, can't you tell me why? I thought I could trust you to--"

Han moaned, shaking his head. "SHUT UP!" he finally shouted. "I'm going to kill you!"

"Oh." He thought about that for a split second. "Before, after, or during?" he asked brightly.

"You-- " Han smacked his fist against the wall.

_The pitiful routine softened him. Now flutter your lashes._

_Flutter my what?_

_Lashes._

_Flutter my lashes? That sounds stupid._

_It always worked with me._

_Father! You mean you fluttered-- _

_No, I mean, they-- oh, never mind._

He batted his lashes experimentally. This was something he should practice in front of a mirror before he actually used it on someone. He looked at Han who was slumped toward the wall, banging his head against it. He decided to ignore his father's advice and try another approach.

"I'm sorry, Han," he said sincerely. "I didn't realize you were so...conventional. I didn't mean to offend you. It was just a gesture of... trust."

"Trust?" Han repeated. Then the expression on his face changed. "I am _not_ conventional! I've been to damn near all the planets in this galaxy, screwed three-quarters of its inhabitants, male, female, and gender optional, and I certainly... certainly... "

Luke looked up at him guilelessly. "Please tell me what's wrong with me." Not for the first time, he wondered if there really _was_ something wrong with him. If what Han said was true, then why was he being singled out for rejection? Abruptly hurt, he turned away. "I'm sorry. I'll leave." Blindly, he headed for the door.

_Masterful._

_Oh, shut up!_

"Hey, Luke! Wait a minute!" Han caught him at the door and grabbed his shoulders. Luke felt the warm breath on his neck, and it seemed to go straight to his groin. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-- Look, maybe I was bragging a little, okay? Maybe I've only screwed one-third."

Luke shook his head.

"Aw, kraat! Luke... it's just that me and Leia got this thing going, see? And it's not that I think she'd mind, being as it's only you, but-- "

_Tears would be good here._

He swallowed the giggle that rose in his throat.

"Ah, don't cry, kid. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! We're buddies, okay?" Han's arms slid across his chest and tightened. "This won't change anything."

"Of course it won't!" He turned eagerly and wrapped his arms around Han's waist, pulling their hips together. For all Han's protests, he was definitely growing more interested by the moment. "Think of it as a mercy mission."

_By the Sith, you're good, child! You take after your father!_

_Father, just shut up and enjoy it._

"Uh, well... "

Luke smiled trustfully up at Han's face. "You're my best friend," he breathed softly, "and I could learn so much from you! There's no one better in the universe to teach me!"

"Well... true." Han ran his finger around his collar as if the room was becoming too hot for him to handle.

_It's not the room._

_Father!_

_Luke, just shut up and enjoy it._

So he did.

End


End file.
